Talking with your parents about the future can feel difficult. When is the right time? And how can you bring up important topics without making your parents feel as though decisions are being made for them?
The 40-70 Rule for aging parents offers a simple place to start. If you are around age 40 or your parents are around age 70, it may be time to begin talking about what they want for the years ahead.
The idea of turning a certain age doesn’t mean that this rule is all or nothing. Instead, those ages serve as a reminder to start important conversations early, while there is time to listen, consider options, and make decisions together.
For adult children wondering how to talk to aging parents about their future, the 40-70 Rule can make that first conversation a little easier. Our expert team at PMMA (Presbyterian Manors of Mid-America®) is here to walk you through ways to get started.
Key takeaways: Planning early with the 40-70 Rule
- The 40-70 Rule encourages families to begin conversations before there is an immediate need or crisis.
- The goal is not to make decisions for your parents, but to understand their preferences, priorities and wishes.
- Conversations can cover living choices, health and wellness, finances, transportation and future support.
- You do not need to address everything at once. Planning works best as an ongoing conversation.
- Learning about future options does not mean your family has committed to making a change.
Table of contents
What is the 40-70 Rule for aging parents?
Why early conversations matter
Keep the conversation centered on choice
What should families talk about?
Let PMMA help you start the conversation
What is the 40-70 Rule for aging parents?
The concept is straightforward: When an adult child is around 40 or a parent is around 70 years old, families should consider beginning conversations about aging and future preferences.
Why start then? Because planning for the future doesn’t have to begin with a health event or an immediate need for support. Starting earlier gives parents an opportunity to share what matters to them and gives the entire family more time to understand their preferences.
The conversation might include:
- Where your parents would like to live as they grow older.
- What independence means to them.
- Health and wellness priorities.
- Financial and legal planning.
- Transportation and driving.
- Who they would trust to help make decisions if they needed assistance.
- What kind of support they would feel comfortable receiving.
You don’t have to discuss everything at once. The 40-70 Rule works best when early planning becomes a series of conversations rather than one big family meeting.
Why early conversations matter
Families sometimes wait to talk about the future because everyone is doing well. But that can actually be an ideal time to begin.
An early conversation gives your parent time to think about what they want without the pressure of making an immediate decision. It also gives you an opportunity to learn rather than assume.
Try asking questions such as:
- “Have you thought about where you’d like to live in the future?”
- “What’s most important to you about staying independent?”
- “If you ever needed some extra help, what would you want that to look like?”
- “Are there things you’d like us to know so we can support your wishes?”
Then listen.
Your role isn’t to arrive with all the answers. It’s to understand what matters to your parents.
Keep the conversation centered on choice
A conversation that begins with “Here’s what I think you need to do” can feel very different from one that begins with “I want to understand what’s important to you.”
Your parents have their own routines, relationships, priorities and ideas about their future.
Ask questions rather than making assumptions, talk about possibilities rather than predetermined solutions and, most importantly, make your parents active participants in every conversation that concerns them.
What should families talk about?
Every family’s conversations will be different, but a few subjects can help you get started.
Living choices
Ask what your parents value about where and how they live today. Is being near friends important? What about maintenance responsibilities, transportation, opportunities to stay active or proximity to family?
You can explore different possibilities together, including remaining at home, moving to a different home, or considering a senior living community. Exploring an option doesn’t mean choosing it. It simply helps your family understand what is available.
Health and wellness
Ask how your parents define a healthy, fulfilling life as they grow older. Conversations may include exercise, nutrition, health care preferences, medications, and the people they would like to be involved in health-related decisions.
It can also be helpful to make sure important health information, and documents are organized and accessible to the appropriate people.
Finances and important documents
Money can be a sensitive subject, so approach it respectfully.
You don’t necessarily need to know every detail of your parents’ finances. It can be helpful, however, to know whether important planning documents are in place, whom they trust to assist with financial matters if needed and where essential information is kept.
Transportation
Driving often represents much more than getting from one place to another. It can mean independence, spontaneity and connection.
Rather than waiting until driving becomes a concern, talk about transportation alternatives that could help your parents continue doing the things they enjoy if their needs change.
Future support
Ask your parents what support would look like to them.
What kind of help would they feel comfortable receiving? What would matter to them if they were comparing senior living communities? What qualities would help a community feel like home?
Understanding those preferences now can help everyone make more informed decisions later.
Start the conversation before you need all the answers
The 40-70 Rule isn’t about having every detail of the future mapped out by a certain birthday. It’s a reminder that families don’t have to wait for a difficult moment to begin talking.
Starting earlier gives parents an opportunity to express their preferences and helps adult children understand how they can offer support. It also gives families more time to learn, ask questions and explore options together.
At PMMA (Presbyterian Manors of Mid-America®), we believe seniors should have a voice in how and where they live. As a trusted resource for seniors and their families, we’re here to help you ask questions, explore possibilities and better understand your options.
